Riding The Wave – Multiple Myeloma

“An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience.” – James Baldwin

Indeed. All that I am comes from all that I have been, places I’ve visited and lived, people I have met along my life’s journey.

Early on in my life, I was the daughter of a man who had accomplished much. Then I was the daughter who had lost her father under tragic circumstances. Then the granddaughter of Otis & Ruth Hudson. Sister to Lynn. Then for a brief time, I was just me, and then I became Dave’s wife, and Hudson & Montana’s mother. I didn’t realize for a long time that I had given up certain hopes and dreams of a career for the greater good. I have no regrets at all. But I realized when Dave lost his job in 2001 as a telecom/satellite engineer, that our identities are often so wrapped up in what we DO that we don’t even realize that it is simply what we DO, and not who we ARE.

I hadn’t realized until I saw him struggle so valiantly with this phenomenon, that I had been there, done that, a long time earlier. That I had reconciled the whole women’s lib thing, and was very comfortable being a wife, mother and part-time artist, community activist, friend, etc. I was really very satisfied with it. Comfortable in my own skin. It really helped me to help him, through that difficult time. He wasn’t one who liked “getting in touch” with the softer side of himself. The more philosophical conversations of life.

Recently listening to a conversation about how we associate who we are with what we do, or what is going on in our life, I started to incorporate the idea that when we become cancer patients/caregivers, suddenly we have a new identity. Often one we do not want. I began to look at many past conversations I have had and found that there are some of us that wear it like a heavy badge. Others that want to have little discussion or acknowledgement about it at all. And then some of us who are quite comfortable stating it as a matter of fact, and it’s like one of the many pins we would have on our hat or a charm on a bracelet. It’s just a part of who we are. An ingredient.

So what happens when we are now thrust into a cancer identity? Well, I know Dave hated it. It’s one of those things where if he could get away with no one knowing, he would have chosen that route. Lucky for him, he’s married to someone who is an overly open, high disclosure kind of gal. I wouldn’t let him do that. Just like when he lost his job, I wouldn’t let him keep it a secret. It’s way outside his comfort zone, and very much inside mine. He saw these things as weaknesses and personal failures. I saw them as interesting life’s experiences. I’m always much more interested in the things people overcome and how they did it. That’s what impresses me. Truly it does. I often think that Dave and I ended up together for a reason. We are polar opposites in so many areas. For many years it worked against us, but in some respects it was exactly what we both needed. Our life’s lesson. That Ying and Yang to further our survival.

As we were originally diagnosed and in the throes of managing his pain and all the logistics, we were only defined by our cancer and our ability to survive on a day to day basis. It seemed like it was completely consuming us. Seemed like? Boy is that an understatement! At the time I didn’t really think about our life as we knew it. I didn’t have any anything left to contemplate that. I just had enough energy and forethought to think about the moment I was in, and the next step to take.

After we finished the bulk of our treatment, and while we were still technically not finished, little by little our life began to take shape. Our new life. Now granted we had relocated so we were going to be facing a new life anyway. New friends, new house, new town. It sometimes seemed incredibly overwhelming and I longed for my old friends, neighbors, co-workers… just to have something recognizable in my daily life. But over time I noticed, gratefully, that cancer was no longer defining who we were. It had relegated itself to that new pin on our baseball cap. That we were indeed so much more and it was just a part of our life’s experience.

How are you dealing with your identity shift? Did you have to resign from your job? Move away for treatment? Give up something really important to you?

For me, I resurrected an identity that I never fully gave up, just laying dormant until all the other stuff was handled. Raising our children and getting Dave through this unplanned, uninvited, undesired set of circumstances. Dave is back to his old ways of working too hard and too long, but it’s still changed for the better. He’s much happier doing it now than before. He thrives on his work in a way he never did before. I don’t think he has succumbed to it being the end all be all of who he is, like he did in the past, so I’m good with it. 

Tags: cancer identity, identity