“If you have learned how to disagree without being disagreeable, then you have discovered the secret of getting along — whether it be business, family relations, or life itself.” – Bernard Meltzer
While on social cancer websites, list servs, private conversations, emails, etc. I have “watched” or been involved in the continuing debate about positive mental attitude in dealing with cancer, or our case, multiple myeloma. Supplements, unproven therapies, and the like. Some of it, if not all, I have tried to delicately present my point of view while acknowledging, very earnestly and respectfully, that there are other points of view. I’ve gently tried to urge others to take a softer stance, no matter which side of the argument you may be on. Out of respect for one another, and the assumption that if you truly want to “help” you would not want to impose your particular convictions on others in emails and postings that might make them feel somewhat inadequate, invalidated, or even make them angry.
We have one unifying thing. We have cancer. There are several things we can agree on in that shared experience. We have our own experiences and we like to share. Its a good thing. But remember to share your experience as YOUR experience and not try to make blanket sweeping statements that everyone should get your results if only they would…
“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.” – Buddha
I really hate this debate truthfully, as often it devolves into some serious unpleasantness. Much like politics and religion can. I try hard on my blog to express my views in a way that allows others who have a differing view to not feel offended. If I ever do offend anyone, I want you to know it is not my intent and I am profoundly sorry.
I just think it bears repeating that we can take very concrete hard stances on such matters, proven vs disproven, supplements, scientific studies (lack thereof), mind over matter, positive mental attitude, prayer, god, etc. And while YOU may have your view and I may have mine, let’s not let it divide us. We are all trying to muddle through, looking for hope, results, friendship, camaraderie, shared realities. So take some care with your written words that may not be fully what you meant, missing the nuances of a live conversation.
Dave and I don’t agree on many things like this. Throughout his ordeal I was very, very respectful of what was HIS REALITY and my role as a supporting character. We found a way to support each other and respect each other’s views. Its a delicate dance. As the patient with myeloma, it was always, ultimately his decision. As his wife it was my job to support him in the decision he made. I just made sure he had all the data I could find on the subject and in discussions with his medical team, so that he could better make that decision.
Even now when folks contact me, newly diagnosed. I fully disclose I am a proponent of Little Rock’s Total Therapy IF you are going to go the route of stem cell transplant, then damn it GO FOR IT! However, having said that, I really do run through all the different paths I know folks are taking and discuss the different decision points they need to consider in their treatment choices. I give them names of blogs, people, and doctors that I know subscribe to a completely different view than UAMS. I try to present to them in an unbiased way, with my previous disclosure having been established, the different choices they may consider as they embark on the difficulty of treatment choices for their myeloma. And I SUPPORT them, fully, in whatever choice they make. I just try to help them dig deeper into considerations in their thinking that they may need to discard or to embrace. Does that make sense? I want everyone to make it! I don’t care if you smoke herbs, light incense, or hook up to chemo, I want you to make it. That’s my bottom line.
There is no right or wrong path, there is your path, your truth. I for one, respect you and hold you in the highest regard.
I just posted this, but I think its worth posting again…
A Short History of Medicine
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.”
Valerie, What a wonderful thing to say. Thank you. It keeps me going at it, doing some small part to make other’s journey a little less lonely. Best to you.
Beautifully written Lori. You do a great service to the myeloma community and as a caregiver, I am so appreciative of your efforts and the time, care and consideration you put into this website.
Hanna! What a great quote. I will have to borrow that! Thanks for your support. We are all so much more when united and certainly more interesting in how different we all are! I learn much from other’s points of view.
Great post Lori. Let us all remember the wisdom of Galileo. “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself.” Each of us has our own truth. Our own path.
Lori is right. We must share our experience and knowledge. In the end, we must each discover the knowledge and find the strength to make the right decision for our body, mind, and soul.
Thanks Lori for this timely post.